    <T><E><L><E><G><R><A><P><H> a music monthly on the net
Telegraph Transmission Two: Electric Boogaloo (September 1994)
--------------------------------------------------------------
Published by Ubiquitous, Ltd, an affiliate of the Klang Empire
    in cooperation with the Indie-List Infotainment Junta!
--------------------------------------------------------------
IN THIS ISSUE:
- You're A Winner, Baby, So Why Don't I Kill You
  Beck, shmeck. You can win a Wingtip Sloat 45. Yeah! Enter our
  "insane" contest.
- Book Your Own Fucking Lollapalooza
  Klang brothers Mark, Mike and Jack (distant relatives of the
  Pep Boys) have produced three nights of magnum musical
  munificence, independetly of all of Richmond's corrupt club
  owners. Now they tell all.
- Underachievement In "Indie-Rock"
  Slacker! Well, um, let they who own glass turntables throw the
  first stones. Or something like that. Read what our "columnists"
  have to say about slack and non-professionalism in indie rock.
- _Blast!_ Isn't One
  Mark tells you why this magazine sucks. Hints: Bob Bert. Kill Yr
  Idols. Tom Violence.
- And, of course, more(1)
--------------------------------------------------------------
Welcome, update, administrivia, etc.
Mark Cornick - mcornick@hopper.itc.virginia.edu

Well, after what seems like months since #1, here at last is
the new and hopefully improved Telegraph #2. I'm now typing this
from a new PC, which doesn't make any difference to you, but it
runs approximately 500% faster than my old one, so it's a lot
more pleasant for "authoring" (god, what a fucking *stupid*
term...) Many, many things have changed so read on...

Since I will be busy the rest of this month with my return to JMU,
Telegraph #3 will appear in mid-October or so. In fact, let's just
say that until further notice, Telegraph will appear approximately
bi-monthly. More details on deadlines, etc. will come later.

In the last issue I talked about putting TG under copyright, and, in
fact, the draft issue distributed to the Telegraph Quality Assurance
Squad did include a copyright notice. However, in an 11th hour move, I
have decided to leave TG under public domain. It's just a lot less
complicated, amd it's more in the anarchic Internet/Indie-List tradition.
So go ahead and copy all you want, OK?

I am happy to report that, with my arrival at JMU this fall, my days
of constantly shifting addresses will come to an end. I will have a
JMU address shortly, plus, by virtue of my working with the Monticello
Avenue Virtual Village, I have a new account at <mcornick@hopper.itc.
virginia.edu>. This last account will eventually replace <mcornick@nyx>
as the Account That Does Not Go Away, so go ahead and start mailing
stuff to <mcornick@hopper> from now on. (Yes, Sean, that was a roundabout
way of saying my address changed again. I think I am justified in moving
since the new account has a local phone number, is free, and gives me
more than 100K of home dir space. :-)

Finally, the Telegraph E-Z Access home page is ready! Now you can read
the current issue of Telegraph in HTML format, plus browse our archives,
all from the comfort of yr favorite WWW reader. (Sorry, Mosaic users,
there aren't any spiffy graphics yet.) Point your web client at
http://hopper.itc.virginia.edu/~mcornick/tg and have at it!

Well, let's get on with it, already...
--------------------------------------------------------------
Be A Winner, Build Self-Esteem Through Telegraph Contest #1
Mark Cornick - mcornick@hopper.itc.virginia.edu

Too poor to buy the new Wingtip Sloat 45? The fine folks at
Telegraph, VHF, and Sweet Portable You have tag-teamed to bring
you this high-quality release FREE OF CHARGE, assuming you are one of
our lucky winners. If you would like to be one of our lucky winners,
answer the following questions, check your answers at the end of the
digest, and follow the instructions there. (No peeking, you slacker.)

(Records supplied by the VHF/SPY cartel. If you don't win and would like
to order a copy of your very own, contact them at <vhfrecords@aol.com>.
Thanks to Patrick Foster and Bill Kellum.)

1) Wingtip Sloat are from:
   a) England
   b) Falls "Gulch", Virginia (a suburb of Balt-O-Wash)
   c) Shoemaker-Levy 9
   d) Yr mama

2) True or false: Gerard Cosloy likes Wingtip Sloat's new 45.
   a) True. He said so in Telegraph #1.
   b) False. Gerard Cosloy is a non-existent figurehead, much like Betty
      Crocker, Mr. Clean, or Queen Elizabeth II.
   c) False. Nothing is true, everything is permitted. Or something like
      that.
   d) Yr mama

3) The song "Beauty" on the new Wingtip Sloat 45 was originally
   performed by:
   a) We've Got A Fuzzbox And We're Gonna Use It
   b) Marky Mark
   c) Tall Dwarfs
   d) Yr mama

4) The square root of 42 is:
   a) 6.480740698408
   b) equal to the IQ of MTV's Kennedy
   c) Eric Sinclair and Anne Zender's "appearance fee" as paid
      by Spin
   d) Yr mama

5) Dig 'Em The Frog is the mascot of what popular breakfast cereal?
   a) Crispy Wheats 'N' Chicken
   b) Kellogg's (Sugar) Smacks
   c) Uncle Sam Natural Laxative Cereal
   d) Yr mama

6) True or false: Wingtip Sloat are members of the "DC Pop Scene."
   a) True. The Sloats and Edsel, man, they're like *that.*
   b) False. The Sloats do not live in Arlington; thus, they
      cannot possibly be members of the "DC Pop Scene."
   c) False. However, playing Kiss covers under the assumed name of
      Strutter, they are a regular draw at Hammerjack's.
   d) Yr mama

7) The title of the current hit Sonic Youth single "Bull In The
   Heather" refers to a favorite racehorse of what band?
   a) Wingtip Sloat
   b) Huggy Bear
   c) Pavement
   d) Yr mama

8) The name of Wingtip Sloat's excellent zine is:
   a) Spin
   b) Sweet Portable You
   c) Blast!
   d) Yr mama
--------------------------------------------------------------
Book Yr Own Fucking Lollapalooza: DIY Concert Promotion
Mark Cornick - mcornick@hopper.itc.virginia.edu

This year, our local club scene (Richmond, VA) underwent some major changes.
Several clubs, including Richmond's "Big Two", the Metro and Twister's, both
changed name and ownership (The Metro became the Factory, and Twister's
became the Chronos Cafe.) Many people saw this for the corruption cover-up
that it was - we could go on with horror stories about broken guarantees,
stolen equipment, and general rock-star bullshit. Fortunately, some
alternatives popped up, such as the new Hole In The Wall club and the Klang
concert series.

The Klang series was the lovechild of Mike Gangloff, Jack Rose, and myself, 
whose bands have played together on numerous occasions. Basically, we got tired 
of dealing with corrupt bullshit and decided Richmond needed a place where 
bands could do shows on their own terms. In all, we produced three multi-band 
concerts and laid the seeds for more. Here now, I'll share our experiences and 
advice for those interested in doing the same.

The idea for what became the first Klang show came to me back in April. I
was talking to my next door neighbor Charlie about the prospect of having
a Punk Rock BBQ (actually, BxBxQx) in our backyards. Get a couple of bands,
tiki torches, corn dogs & tofu pups, strawberry soda pop, Moon-Pies, the
whole nine yards. Charlie liked the idea and I put it in the "work on this
later" file. I talked the idea up with Mike and Jack - Mike lived right up
the street from me at this point and loved the idea, as did Jack (who just
moved to another part of town, but was over in our 'hood a lot anyway.)
We committed our three bands - Pelt, Ugly Head, and Gospel Midgets - to play
at this proposed BxBxQx.

As the idea grew, it became obvious to me that it wouldn't all fit in the back
yard. One night, after a Gospel Midgets practice, Jack and I ran into a guy
named Abdiel, who did maintenance for Jack's landlord and had a warehouse space
on the southside. As it turned out, Abdiel was toying with the idea of having
bands play in his space. Well, we had the bands, and Abdiel had the space, so
we checked out the space, loved it, and sealed the deal with a handshake. The
first show was set for June 25, adding two more friendly local groups, Damn
Near Red and the Seymores, to the bill.

Abdiel was easy to work with, at least on the first date. All he asked from us
was 40% of the gate. The rest would go to the bands, after our expenses. Given
that the typical Richmond club owner keeps anywhere from 75% to 100% of the
gate, this was pretty attractive. In return, he offered free run of his space.
After checking out the available options, we decided to have the concert
outside the back of the building - two loading docks offered more or less
ready-made staging areas, and there was plenty of space directly overlooking
the river. Beautiful, especially at night. (And no neighbors!)

Only one thing remained to be taken care of at this point - the sound. We
tried to find somebody who'd do good work cheap with their own rig, but the
best we could do was a guy who'd do the whole gig for $200. We got damn good
sound for our $200, but it cost us. $200 ended up being a majority of our
gate - after we paid the soundman, there wasn't a lot left for the bands.
Fortunately, no one was approaching this as a big money-making thing - the
bands were all basically doing it for the fun and the exposure, with any
pay being a fringe benefit. But we resolved to find a cheaper soundman next
time.

Things got complicated a bit as June 25 approached - my job at Blue Cross
ended and after a Richmond job search proved futile, I retreated to my
parents' house in Charlottesville for a while. Nevertheless, Mike, Jack,
and fellow Gospel Midget Tommy took care of business, printing up flyers and
passing the word. By the time the 25th arrived, we'd been mentioned in the
local music press, and word of mouth was strong. (Unfortunately, rumor got
out that it was free - we had been planning to charge $4 at the door. We
bargained with a few people, but some people left disgusted that they had to
pay. I guess that's the breaks.)

Well, the appointed showtime came and all five bands rocked the house. The
crowd was a couple hundred; the (overpaid) sound was plenty loud. Gospel
Midgets made a hell of a lot of noise on their debut performance; the Seymores
won some converts with their hard-edged pop sound; Pelt continued their fine
tradition of welding melody to bent guitar sounds; Ugly Head sped through a
frenetic set; and Damn Near Red was great in an indescribable kind of way.

Just before Damn Near Red went on, a fight broke out off in a corner. Details
were few and far between at the time, but we found out later that an annoying
drunk guy hit some girl, and said girl's man retaliated. (We were concerned at
the time that it looked like Abdiel was involved - if he was, we were out of
there - but as it turned out he was only helping break it up.) Some better
security might have helped - we made note of this for the next show.

In the end, everyone got paid (although the bands didn't leave with much) so
we considered the show a success from a fiscal standpoint. Artistically, it
was a smash. All of the bands had a great time playing with each other, and
the crowd got into just about everything (included Gospel Midgets, whom we
expected to be something less than a smash due to their, er, non-user-friendly
sound.)

Mike and Jack immediately made plans for the second and third shows, which
took place in July. (Unfortunately, my job conflicted with both of them, so
I missed 'em.) The second show featured more local bands, including my former
mates Friendly. The third show branched out a bit, bringing in Charalmbides
and Harry Pussy from Texas and Rake from Washington, DC to share the stage
with local heroes LaBradford. A cheaper soundman was found for both shows,
and the crowd was considerably better behaved (if somewhat smaller.) Mike
and Jack report both shows as successes. Members of Friendly, Labradford,
and Rake have all told me they enjoyed playing the Klang gigs.

Overall, I was glad to have been a part of the Klang shows. My only regret was
that we had to pay so much for the soundman. Perhaps in the future, we'll find
someone who's willing to work free or cheap in return for a steady gig. I
dunno. In any case, the groundwork was laid for several bands and musicians to
work together on things, and that's rarely a bad thing. In the ghettoized
Richmond music scene, I consider it a monumental event when people get
together for the common good.

If your local club scene is drying up or going to the mob, you could be able to
do the same thing we did. Admittedly, we had a pretty ideal situation, but I
don't see why this couldn't work elsewhere. You've got to be able to take some
risks, and do some hard work, to get something like this going, but in the end
it's definitely worth it.

For more information on the Klang concert series, you can contact me, or Mike
at mgangloff@gems.vcu.edu.
--------------------------------------------------------------
"My train of thought is derailing."
Mark Cornick - mcornick@hopper.itc.virginia.edu

You know you're getting older when you buy jazz records.

Well, maybe. I suppose if you're weaned on blue notes from day one,
this doesn't really apply. But getting interested in musics like
jazz, blues, classical, etc. usually indicates some form of maturity
coming on.

I never really listened to jazz before I got to college. I'd heard
the occasional big band tune but that was about it. At Brevard College,
where I wasted a year and a half as a music major, I was thrust pretty
much by default into the college "jazz ensemble" (a big band with a
director that made Mussolini look wishy-washy.) Naturally, the idea of
playing Glenn Miller under the direction of the most anal-retentive
fascist I've ever known turned me off to anything jazzy for several
years. (Said anal-retentive fascist took an indefinite leave of absence
shortly after my acrimonious departure from Brevard - rumor has it he
slept with one of the trumpet players, i.e. one of my fellow students.
Oops.)

Anyway, not too long ago, I got bored with indie-rock and started making
a deliberate effort to expand my horizons. I got led into jazz by seeing
a couple local groups (Hotel X, the Mandrake Ensemble) and listening to
some of the classics (Miles, Trane, Monk, Mingus, etc.) The rhythmic
fool in me was hooked, and I was off. Now I've got more Blue Note than
Teenbeat in my CD rack, believe it or not.

Now c'mon a minute. Jazz is old people's music, right? That's what a
lot of us seem to think. Much the same way as indie-rock is the domain
of the younger generation. (I don't know any indie-rockers in their
50s, but I suppose theoretically they could exist.)

Bullshit. The way I see it, jazz is adventurous people's music. So is
most indie-rock. So is anything outside the "mainstream", really. It's
sometimes hard to think of something like hardcore techno as
adventurous - c'mon, anyone can program an 808, right? - but it took a
leap of faith for techno fans to get into it. It's not really very
accessible, after all, and it gives a lot of people serious headaches.

The fact that you're reading this says you're an adventurous kind of
person. You may indeed like something on the Top 40 (I happen to like
the new Artist Formerly Known As Prince EP, actually) but you probably
prefer something that's a bit of an unknown, something that challenges
your notions of what's interesting to listen to.

Make this the day you try something different. Pull an old blues 78
out of the library. (Good luck playing it.) Maybe put on some
non-Western music, like soukous or raga. Slap a TSOP album on the
turntable. Go yard-saling for old Sun Ra albums. (Ha!) Whatever you
consider "different", go for it. You don't have anything to lose except
another inhibition, and you might actually find something new to like.
I know I did. 
--------------------------------------------------------------
Underachievement in Music - Is It Destroying The Medium?
Sean Murphy - grumpy@access.digex.net

        Well, it's time for another friendly rant-and-rave session here 
in Telegraph... and this time the selected target is underachievement.  
There's a lot of it hiding out there, particularly under the misnomers 
"lo-fi" and "DIY," and it is a problem.  There are too many bands out 
there who think they have a ready excuse for not knowing how to play 
their instruments, and due to increases in the availability of the means 
of production, more of us consumer types are hearing these half-assed 
attempts at music.  But is this trend really destroying music as we know 
it?  And is it really just a musical phenomenon?  I'd answer "no" to both 
counts, but a qualified no... even a subtle shift in the current 
understanding and identity of the "independent subculture" or however one 
chooses to describe this assemblage of people could bring the whole thing 
crashing down.  (I'm not feeling quite that cynical right now, but you 
might grasp that from what follows.)

        Music, and writing, and most other art-forms seem to move in
cycles.  Change most often takes place as a revolt against or a response
to what has already happened or whatever is prevalent.  Like Mark Twain's
famous comment on the weather in New England, if you don't like something,
just wait a bit for something different to come along - it shouldn't take
much time.  (I'll skip the art-historical examples here because they're 
not really relevant, but everyone should be able to recognize the 
greater phenomenon at work.)  

        We can start instead with punk music, that great liberator of
youth.  Without the extravagence and ultra-precision of the music which
directly preceded it, punk in the early and mid 70s wouldn't have been
worth shit.  Bands like Yes, Genesis, the Moody Blues, ELO, and ELP made
punk possible and plausible, as did many of the bands now seen as rock
dinosaurs (Led Zeppelin, Jethro Tull, Mountain, the Eagles) and the
warehouse written, bubblegum pop of every age.  Quasi-orchestral
arrangements of rock music became the norm because people had already
played all the basic chord progressions, used all the sounds, written all
the words that were imagined in rock music.  (Of course this isn't true,
but it was a common, logical, and prevailing thought among the music
makers.)

        So when kids started picking up guitars and doing something simple
and sorta loud with those guitars, it was unexpected and shocking and
dangerous.  Some of it got co-opted very quickly (the Dead Boys), some of
it grew beyond its original aspirations and got sorta messy (The Clash,
Buzzcocks, Television), some broke up because they just didn't care or
keep it together (X-Ray Spex, Sex Pistols), and others are still doing the
very same thing to this day (Ramones).  But all of it was a reaction to
the sounds being presented to them by the mass media.  As a rebellion
against art-rock and arena-rock, punk placed no premium on precision and
ability in playing or writing songs.  Notably, though, it did not
discriminate against those who did have true ability (Pere Ubu,
Television).  The DIY concept reared its head again as it had other times
in the musical continuum, and it has thrived more or less since then. 

        The eighties continued this coexistence of bands with true musical
ability and those who didn't exactly have the same skills but had the
heart and conviction to make something happen.  The Raincoats and Marine
Girls may not have been the greatest performers in the world.  Felt had
far better guitar playing than many of its contemporaries.  Mission of
Burma existed on a different plane from most other bands in terms of what
it was doing musically.  But these bands could survive at the same time
and while some had more fans than others, there was a certain continuity
or cohesiveness. 

        Sometime later, however, the world shifted a little.  Bands were
still wandering around, doing their things, but a certain idea started to
circulate even among the underground.  People who could play their
instruments too well weren't really "indie."  Guitar solos became
forbidden.  What started out as circumstance (most kids had not taken
years of guitar or drum or vocal lessons) became the expected norm.  I've
often heard this shift in perceptions pegged on Beat Happening, who
celebrate the fact that they're not great musicians but are making records
anyway and thus inspire others to do the same.  I don't think this is fair
to Beat Happening - they didn't consciously decide to sound "lo-fi" or
untrained.  (The Halo Benders, Calvin's new project, happen to have a fine
guitar player prominently displayed at many points on their LP, Doug
Martsch, formerly of the Treepeople.) There can be no blame assigned for
this... it just kinda happened over time, especially as some of the more
technically proficient bands started getting signed to major labels and
theoretically losing their "indie" status.  (See the continuing debates in
zines and mailing lists, and perhaps my article in the first issue of
Telegraph, for some notion of the fucked-up concept of what's indie and
what's not and why perhaps we should abolish the widespread use of certain
terms, particularly "indie-rock"...)

        Anyway, the current aesthetic norms of the underground or 
independent culture seem to place a distinct premium on sounding 
untrained, umprofessional, and frankly, quite sloppy.  This extends 
beyond music into its close cousin, music-related zines.  While I'm not 
going to blame "riot grrrl" for anything, its rise coincides with a wave 
of things that seem done simply because they can be done, regardless of 
underlying merit.  There's also a distinct notion out there that it's 
cool to make your project look lo-fi/badly recorded/badly played even if 
you're fully capable of doing better.  

Example #1 : Bratmobile vs. Juicy.

        Bratmobile is a band which formed in 1991 with members now 
residing in Olympia, WA, and Washington, DC.  The three members of the 
band are admittedly not great musicians and have not taken many steps to 
improve their abilities beyond simply playing songs together when they're 
found in the same city.  They have a vision, however, and an honesty that 
flows through their work, making it something more than "three girls 
banging on guitars and drums because they can."  

        Juicy is a band from New York City.  One of its members is also 
in the band Scarce (from Providence, RI).  This band consciously makes 
the effort to write and perform songs in the manner which Bratmobile and 
Heavens To Betsy do.  While the style is not necessarily a problem, the 
fact that they are capable of doing better yet insist on playing 
unlistenable, chaotic shows troubles me.  It's a sign of bands trying to 
acquire "hipness" or "coolness" through style instead of substance and 
heart.  Bratmobile believes in what they're doing... Juicy thinks it's 
all a big game.

Example #2 - Wind-Up Toy and Chickfactor vs. "most other zines out there"

        When it comes to zine-writing, this warped aesthetic of 
unreadability-as-positive-value is rather prominent (though it seems to 
be receding finally).  If what the editor/creator writes is worth 
reading, then that person should take the time to make sure that the zine 
is presented in a readable format.  While zines like Chickfactor and 
Wind-Up Toy could be written on scraps of paper and glued together with a 
series of arrows and circles telling you the order in which to read them, 
the editors of those zines (and others) choose to make the reader's task 
a bit simpler through clear presentation and clean graphic layout.  (This 
isn't an issue yet in cyberspace, though when everyone has access to the 
World Wide Web and its graphic capabilities, I'll put money on it that 
people will intentionally make things look "cool" by making them 
impossible to decipher...)

        I'm not trying to knock people who do zines on single sheets of 
paper and get their pal at Kinko's to run off a bunch of copies - writing 
a zine is a big thing, and I have respect for anyone who can consistenly 
pull it off.  But if you put out something that looks like a total piece 
of shit with no coherence or direction to it, then don't be surprised 
that nobody except your friends reads it.  (The same is true of 7" 
singles... think BEFORE you create, please?)

Example #3: "FREEBIRD"

        Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Freebird" is a staple of "classic rock" and
"album-rock"  radio stations.  It is a 9 1/2 minute song which features
some incendiary guitar playing, some dippy lyrics, and overall can be a
really rewarding experience when heard occasionally (like about once every
9-14 months).  

        WHERE'S THE JOKE IN ASKING (insert name of "indie-rock" band here)
TO PLAY THIS SONG DURING A LIVE PERFORMANCE?  Is it 1.) poking fun at "the
heathens" who have never heard "band-x" and are not at the show?  2.)
ridiculing the guitar virtuosity needed to play the somg properly? or 3.)
a case of everyone having forgotten what it really means but continuing to
shout it anyway in the hope of a sure-fire laugh? 

[ Pick door number three, Homer! - Mark ]

        I guess it's a combination of all three, but primarily #1 and #3
at this point.  (Soon, it'll only be #3, as a new generation of kids grows
up who can easily avoid exposure to "classic rock" through the option of
"commercial alternative" radio stations...) #2, however, troubles me, for
reasons that should be obvious by now.  Killdozer comes to mind at this
point as a band which has made its career by abusing well-known songs and
warping them almost beyond recognition (sometimes it's hilarious, like
when they do "Sweet Home Alabama" and sometimes it sucks, like when they
do "Cinnamon Girl").  Why do they do this? 

        The other example I can make which is vaguely related to this
point comes from having seen Ruby Falls a couple times.  They're a band
from New York City who have two singles out and can really kick ass on a
good night.  The last time I saw them was a good night for the band. 
During tuning breaks or string-changes, Jennifer (one of the guitar
players) will often play little snippets of songs like "Stairway To
Heaven" and "More Than A Feeling" and "Show Me The Way".  It's a joke, of
course, but I think it's also a way of trying to show the people at a show
that there are valid musical statements that have been made outside the
realm of "indie-rock."  A couple kids at the show, however, didn't really
get it - they asked her to play "Start Choppin'" by Dinosaur Jr. and a
couple other "alternative" hits.  This bugged me, but she just sorta
laughed and said she didn't know those songs.  (A fitting move would have
been to play part of Freak Scene or Sludgefeast...) I'm probably not
expressing the relevance well at this point, but I see some connection at
work... 

        There are more examples of underachievers out there - the other
really obvious one for me is people trying to feign coolness by doing
zine-ads in the same style as Shrimper.  What they point to, however, is
a move toward inability as a necessary ingredient of the independent
culture.  This move is ultimately stagnating, however - how much untuned,
badly sung, poorly written music can anyone listen to?  Eventually,
there's got to be a backlash against this... I think bands like
Tindersticks and zines like Caught In Flux (which actually included an
errata page with issue #2) represent an early wave in the move back toward
pride in musicianship or professionalism. 

        One important point to keep in mind, however, is that underplaying
is generally preferable to overplaying - I'd rather see 14 Juicys than one
more Eddie Van Halen/Kirk Hammett/Joe Satriani wanna-be speed wanking
guitar solo. 

        If the underground adopts conscious underachievement as a goal, it
will destroy itself.  There has always been some amount of underachieving
in this scene, but it's usually just a matter of circumstance - if it
remains that way, everything will work out.  
--------------------------------------------------------------
More thoughts on slackness in indie rock
Jake Kreilkamp - kreilkam@husc.harvard.edu

Success in America is measured in dollar signs, so any endeavor that has 
other motivations behind it is bound to confuse consumers and other 
capitalist types.  When someone puts out a 7" not because they hope to 
make a tidy profit of $300 but because they hope that some people will   
enjoy listening to it, and when that person even gives copies away to 
people or encourages those who buy it to tape it for their friends 
without record players (as I do with my band's singles) the usual 
standard of achievment is being undermined.  

Playing in a band for a few years has taught me that shameless, ceaseless 
self-promotion is the only way to go in terms of "success" (as one rock 
luminary advised me: "If you don't suck, you can't be too pushy")
but often I just get really sick of it all and sit on my ass writing 
songs and fucking around.  I know that things are bad in my band when we 
spend more time "conferencing" about our plans for success than actually 
playing music.  This is exactly the slacker attitude that the presidents 
of Time Warner etc. can't understand, and without it I'd be a big 
asshole.  Of course this also explains why you haven't heard of my band.

Jake Kreilkamp
Betty Please
100% Breakfast! Records
--------------------------------------------------------------
TELEGRAPH ARTICLE THREE: GIMME INDIE ROCK
Jodi Shapiro - jodi@dsm.fordham.edu
[No, I don't know what happened to number two. - Mark]

In a perfect world, indie rock would be these things:

1) Totally free of any corporate (read: major-label) influence.
2) Created in an environment of economy (read: cheaply, a relative term 
at best).
3) Created solely on the terms of the artists involved.
4) Decidedly better than so-called commercial or corporate rock.
5) Oblivious to musical fads or trends.

Items 2 and 3 are sort of related to item 1, since corporate backing brings 
money and takes away artistic control (sometimes).   There are a few 
people who think that indie rock can exist within a corporate structure.  
Still others believe that if it's popular, it cannot possibly be indie.
With everyone seemingly arguing about what indie rock is and isn't, 
about the only thing people can agree on is that it isn't what it used to be.  

A much-ballyhooed point is that indie rock is full of slackers.  I guess the 
word slackers is supposed to be an all-encompassing one meaning 
jobless college kids/graduates who live off their parents trust funds.  Or 
something like that.  Slacker is one of those flavor-of-the-month words 
that gets misused so often that it loses its meaning pretty quickly, like 
alternative.  According to the Oxford American Dictionary, slacker means 
"to be idle or lazy about work".  If so many bands are slackers, why is 
there a glut of independent records?  If they were all lazy, wouldn't there 
only be a few bands touring?

Although I don't know  about every band that's recording, I can say from 
my limited experience that most indie bands are not the lazy bums 
certain people make them out to be.   If any musicians should be labelled 
slackers, it's people like NKOTB  who don't do a stitch of work except 
model bad fashions and dance in sync (this is not exclusive to corporate 
rock, by the way). Even bands you love to hate do some sort of work, 
whether it's writing songs (however bad they may be) or doing live 
shows.  The Jesus Lizard  probably spends the same amount of time on 
the road as Aerosmith does.  It's a different type of time, but they're doing 
the same thing: getting the music out there.  One group of people just has 
an easier time doing it.

Part of the reason is money, or lack therof.  Most bands, regardless of 
what label they're on, don't make a lot of money (if at all).  Because they 
make a fraction of what big arena playing acts do, bands like Tar and The 
Grifters have to drive shitty vans across the US, play dive-y clubs and 
haul all their own gear.  They get screwed over by club owners, their gear 
gets stolen, they sleep on floors (or in their vans) and eat crappy food.  
Hell, I'll bet the Poster Children still have the same van they did when 
they made _Daisy Chain Reaction_.  Most of them don't complain about 
any of it, but I'm sure there are times where they curse Axl Rose and his 
15 handlers.  A lot of them stick with it, through good and bad, because 
they believe in what they're doing.  

Slackers, my ass.  It's love that drives most bands.   Otherwise they 
wouldn't be going broke making music for a bunch of people that are 
going to yell sellout when they start doing well.  
--------------------------------------------------------------
Magazine Review: Blast!
Mark Cornick - mcornick@hopper.itc.virginia.edu

Recently, while in the men's room at Kroger, I happened upon an issue of a
glossy mag called _Blast!_ ("The Best In Alternative Rock.") On the cover of
said mag were Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam), Lane Staley (Alice In Chains) and
whasisface from Stone Gossard Temple Of The Dog Pilots whatever. Looking down
the list of "Plus! Also!" on the front cover I happened upon my teenage heroes
Sonic Youth so, naturally, my interest was piqued.

First thing I noticed when I opened the mag was a page of back issues available
of _Steroidal Metal Prettyboy Pinup Magazine_ or some such. Hmm, maybe if I get
my money in the mail quick I can get that issue with Kip Winger... ah, forget
it. Across from this was their page of "Hot News." And the hot news this month
was... well, I'll give you that one (folks, Kurt is dead, but you're not... go
do something constructive. Thank you.), plus something about the 4 Non Blondes
suing each other over unpaid royalties (well, y'know, they only had that one
hit, so I guess it's important that everyone gets their share...) Anyway,
flipping thru the pages it's obvious that _Blast!_ has a past as a metal mag
not unlike _Circus_ or _Kerrang!_ or _Metal Edge._ Y'know, the type of thing
Beavis 'n' Butthead read. Then someone sniffed that foul odor of MTV
Grungeapalooza and whaddaya know.

I skipped the "I Met Kip Winger!" story and the penpal listings (???) to get
to Da Youf. Well, let's face it, no one reads _Blast!_ for the insightful
articles. Here's their theory on the meaning of the title of the latest SY
album: "Cutting-edge guitarist Lee Ranaldo is the 'experimental', sexy
bassist Kim Gordon is the 'jet set', earthy guitarist Thurston Moore is the
'trash' and shy-boy drummer Steve Shelley is 'no star'!" Bzzzzzzt. Wrong
answer. Thanks for playing. BTW, despite the fact that they made a surprising
reference to "Sister", they called "Experimental Jet Set" the Youth's third 
record. Doh! 50 demerits! Severe blow to the cred, Captain! Well, at least the
pinup photo was pretty.

Getting similar treatment from _Blast!_ were all yr MTV faves (Soundgarden,
Alice In Chains, Stoned Wheat Thing Temple Pilot Lights, Smashing Pumpkins,
9"Nails, the now-obligatory-and-ubiquitous Nirvana tribute) plus a couple of
interchangeable metal acts. No one you haven't heard of before.

Overall I thought _Blast!_ was the kind of magazine one might flip through
while sitting on the toilet. Ideas for improvement:
1) Call up DGC and ask for a complete Sonic Youth discography.
2) Lose the "witty" quotes (some metal guy: "Occasionally, I do feel the need
to get naked on stage!" Wow, what a hunk.)
3) While you're at it, lose the whole damn magazine. Railing against the
Pinhead Network Executives (tm) who wanted to make a Kurt Cobain movie, while
in the same issue rehashing everything everyone already read in the New Yorker
about his suicide, is definitely not hip. Nor is ignoring seven years of Sonic
Youth recordings. If you must continue publishing this sub-"National Enquirer"
dreck, though...
4) More color photos of Glenn Danzig's teeth, please. I just can't get
enough of 'em.
--------------------------------------------------------------
COURSING THROUGH THE WIRES
(what's hot, chez les auteurs)

Mark -
* Various Artists, _Straight No Chaser_ (Blue Note): A two-disc compilation
that non-coincidentally contains all the songs Us3 sampled for their debut
LP _Hand On The Torch._ It's a great jazz comp in its own right, though,
leaning heavily on Art Blakey, Donald Byrd, and the like. Good stuff.
* Marvin Gaye, _What's Going On_ (Motown): Arguably Marvin's greatest
work, just reissued in a super-deluxx CD package commemorating the 10th
anniversary of his death. A masterpiece -- nuff said.
* Sonic Youth, _Screaming Fields Of Sonic Love_ (DGC promo): Whoa! The
greatest Sonic "hits" from _Sonic Youth_ straight through to _Daydream
Nation_. Released to coincide with the massive DGC/SY reissue program
under way, this actually works well as a retrospective, even though
you can't buy it in any store (a record-store-working friend of mine
got two of 'em free - perhaps one was meant for _Blast!_)
* _Vibe_ magazine: For a magazine that focuses on "urban" music, Vibe's
coverage is pretty broad - when was the last time that the Afghan Whigs,
Medeski Martin & Wood, or Seefeel got mentioned in _The Source_ or _Right
On!_? (Or _Blast!_) I still think fashion layouts in a music mag are bullshit,
but I liked _Vibe_ enough to subscribe.
* Aphex Twin, _Selected Ambient Works Vol. II_ (Warp/Sire): Aphex Twin (aka
Polygon Window, AFX, etc. etc.), well-known as a techno guy, steps back into
Eno-style ambience for this 2-CD, 23-(untitled-)track set. Quiet; relaxing;
introspective; sort of an antidote for post-industrial society. May put you
to sleep (I sometimes use it for just that purpose, actually.)

Sean -
* Sonny Sharrock, "Ask The Ages" (Axiom) - Unfortunately, Sonny passed away 
a few months back... this LP from 1991 shows him at the top of his guitar 
playing form, with superb contributions from Pharoah Sanders, Elvin 
Jones, and Charnett Moffatt.
* Robert Rental and The Normal - Live EP (Rough Trade) - There's very 
little info on this one-sided 12", but it was recorded in 1979 and has 
that classic Throbbing Gristle/early Cabaret Voltaire grind-and-thrash to 
it... very enjoyable.
* Chrome, "Half Machine Lip Moves" (Touch and Go re-issue) - An early LP
from Chrome that will shred wallpaper in seconds while pleasantly
motivating you to unpack your shit and reorganize your records so you can
find them faster... 
* Meredith Monk, "Turtle Dreams" (ECM) - This woman has a voice which 
merges Liz Frasier and Jean Smith, and composes music which is on the 
avant-garde but still accessible to non-music-theory types (like 
myself).  Four voices, four organs, hard to go wrong.  
--------------------------------------------------------------
TELEGRAPH OPERATORS
Editor - Mark Cornick <mcornick@hopper.itc.virginia.edu>
Mailer - Sean Murphy <grumpy@access.digex.net>
Archivist - Chris Karlof <karlofc@seq.cms.uncwil.edu>
Special Contributor - Jodi Shapiro <jodi@dsm.fordham.edu>

Disclaimer: Mark Cornick is neither a student nor an employee of The
University Of Virginia. He does not claim to speak for UVa and certainly
hopes UVa doesn't speak for him. (For the curious: hopper.itc.virginia.edu
is the home of the Monticello Area Virtual Village, a nascent freenet-like
service, of which UVa is a principal supporter.)

Telegraph is in the public domain, unless you work for _Blast!_.
Reproduction in _Blast!_ is strictly prohibited.
--------------------------------------------------------------
AND NOW, THE CONTEST ANSWERS

(Q = A)    SCORING: Start with zero points, then...
 1 = b     - Score one point for each question answered correctly.
 2 = a     - Deduct three points for each question answered "d".
 3 = c     - Add 12.6 points if your first name contains no vowels.
 4 = a     - Add 2.2 points if you don't know who Wingtip Sloat are,
 5 = b       unless you answered all the questions correctly, in
 6 = b       which case you are lying, so deduct 13.4 points.
 7 = c     - Subtract 8,254,916 points if you are a resident of the
 8 = b       Commonwealth of Virginia and were planning on voting
             for Oliver North.
           - You are hereby docked 100 points if you are a Telegraph,
             Ubiquitous, Klang, ILIJ, or _Blast!_ staffer.
           - If you are Chuck Smith of Woodbridge, VA, you have the
             wrong contest. Deduct 35 points.
           - If you are The Velvet Fog, Mel Torme, add 545 points.
             (Please enclose photocopy of driver's license with entry.)

If your score is greater than 3.43, you are eligible to win. Send your
name, (paper mail) address, Internet address, score, hat size, and the
name of your favorite Mystery Science Theater 3000 character (if
none, please state "Tom Servo") to <mcornick@hopper.itc.virginia.edu>.
ALL ENTRIES MUST BE RECEIVED BY SEPTEMBER 15, 1994. I (Mark) will draw
one winner out of a hat shortly thereafter, who will be notified by
e-mail. If there are no entries, there is no winner, and another
contest will occur.

If your score is between 0 and 3.43 inclusive, you just missed the cut,
but you have all the answers now, so try again.

If your score is less than zero, you are not eligible to win, but you may
enter our Toilet Duck (tm) Sweepstakes by sending a picture postcard of a place
you have never visited with the words "Toilet Duck" written on the back to
Klang Industries - Eastern Office, 238 S. Cherry Street, Richmond, VA 23220,
USA, Attn: Mike, Amy, and Jack. However, there is no prize in the Toilet Duck
Sweepstakes. All postcards become the property of Klang Industries and will not
be returned. Not available in Saskatchewan. Toilet Duck is a trademark of the
Toilet Duck company. Please do not send postcards of Richmond, Virginia. We
have several.
