Article 5180 of alt.zines:
Path: news.cic.net!magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!torn!nott!cunews!freenet.carleton.ca!freenet3.scri.fsu.edu!freenet3.scri.fsu.edu!not-for-mail
From: bfar333@freenet3.scri.fsu.edu (Brian Farmer)
Newsgroups: alt.zines
Subject: Fondle my balls...                            an e-zine, you mook
Date: 23 Aug 1994 13:34:43 -0400
Organization: the Ninth Circle O' Hell, where the big Red Guy dwells...
Lines: 381
Message-ID: <33dbvj$fs8@freenet3.scri.fsu.edu>
NNTP-Posting-Host: freenet3.scri.fsu.edu
Summary: Annoying waste of bandwidth posing as zine
Keywords: zine,annoying,waste,ferret,cheese,lube,strap-on-flesh-zucchini,stuff
Lubrication: Astroglide
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]

[insert pointlessly huge ASCII logo here]


                        FONDLE MY BALLS (WEEKLY)

                                ISSUE 1,

                                VOLUME I,

                       THE YEAR 1, ANNO MCMAHONIUM

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FONDLE MY BALLS (WEEKLY) is published whenever I can get it together and
implies no guarantees as to prolonged existance.
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FMB(W) is solely staffed, edited, typed, written and generally propagated by
the GOD OF THUNDER, grievous (aka bfar333@freenet.scri.fsu.edu).  Any problems
with the content, reviews or whatever can be written out (in longhand, please)
on plain white 8 1/2" X 11" paper, folded until they're all sharp corners and
then gently thrust into thy nether regions.  Be sure to say "hi!" to your
colon for me!

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I may start a FONDLE MY BALLS WWW area on my home page - who knows?  If you'd
like to view it's current sordid state of devolvement, get thine ass to:

         http://www.cyberspace.org/u/grievous/www/home_page.html

Or not - it's your life.
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     "She was being stalked by her own alternate personality."  Well, ain't
that a bitch.

     Anyways, if you detect a note of stark, shrill terror in my writing, it's
because I just acquired a job which starts tomorrow.  I am personally opposed
to the bullshit slacker-as-icon aesthetic which proliferated for a while (much
shorter than the media would have you believe), but dammit I HATE WORKING.  I
hate going into work every fucking day, seeing all those hapless dickheads
going about their work and LOVING IT.  Or at least tolerating it.  Meanwhile
I'm nauseated by merely talking to anyone I don't know and feel like I have a
rampant case of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder at the end of the day...  Oh,
well - nevermind.  Just rambling...

     Uhm, give me some feedback on what you think of the zine and stuff - it's
intended to be modest, short, dull.  Send me some e-mail if you want
(grievous@cyberspace.org or bfar333@freenet.fsu.edu) and I may write back.
I'm not going to say "subscribe!" because I don't know if there will be an
issue 2.  Eep.

     Send me nude .gifs of Ernest Borgnine.  Tell me about your sexual
escapades with a riding lawnmower.  Send me captured netsex files.  Sign a
release and let me use them.  Just kidding.  I don't _need_ a release.

     Anyways, later for now, enjoy the spew and stuff.

     [grievous]


                    ###################################
                    T A B L E    O F    C O N T E N T S
                    ###################################


Oh, fuck you.




##############################################
                               # M U S I C K #
                               #############################################

BUZZOV*EN - SORE (ROADRUNNER)
12 songs.

Lacerating sheet-metal-tearing numbing manic noise from the NC boys, as usual.
"To A Frown" (their last album) was perhaps edging more towards the slow
torture side, while this slab sees them going full on meth-jitter apeshit.
From the opening mortar-blast scree of "Sore" to the bluesy lurch of "Hollow"
to the slow pound of "Pathetic" to the final searing cautery of "This is
Not..." you'll swear these guys are the sickest brutal fucks on the planet.
Where EYEHATEGOD wallows in piss and liquor, BUZZOV*EN snorts about 3 kilos of
crank and grabs you by your face and shoots off little bits of your flesh with
their stentorian shotgun-blast.  HATEFUL shit here - kirk's voice fucking
drips pain into your unsuspecting mind, while the guitars buzz scream and howl
most improperly under the pick's relentless assault.  Dig - they sound like
they're physically trying to break their strings; how they make it through a
whole song with all 6 intact I don't know.  Here, chew on this broken glass
for a while...

MELVINS - TANKS 7"
MELVINS - "With Yo Heart.../4 Letter Woman/Anal Satan" 7" (SYMPATHY)
MELVINS - NIGHTGOAT 7" (AMPHETAMINE REPTILE)

Der meisters of trudge-spew have spewed forth these slabs at some point
previous to now (whether these are dated or not, I have literally no idea -
although I know "Nightgoat" is a bit aged).  We'll start from the beginning,
eh?
   "TANKS" appears to be a bootleg (?) of a Peel Session, which generally
don't have great sound quality - witness Napalm Death's Peel Session.  But, of
course, the material shines through the sloppy production in a most excellent
performance with the "Bullhead" lineup.  Kicking off with "Leech" (credited to
Turner/Arm - Mudhoney?  Green River?), a most excellent haunting dirge with
krush-groove guitars and Buzz's manic yelping and crooning, you know this
vinyl is classic.  Den de boyz slam der geetars into "Euthanasia", another
instant classic of Melvin-o-phonia; the real surprise I guess is the last
track "Theme," which reminds me of the Pain Teens a bit with sampled voices in
the background and squealing guitars; it reminds me of Godflesh a bit, too.
This one is generally priced at around 5 bucks but is definitely worth it for
the Melvins fan.
   The Sympathy For The Record Industry single (which doesn't seem to have an
official title) is definitely worth the 2.50 I paid for it (even with the
scratches on side 1 - ahem) but doesn't grab me as an instant classic - it
catches the Mel's in their more rock-like incarnation (which also features the
same lineup as "TANKS" funny-funny) but is still quite good.  Side A is
another cover (written by A. Wood/K. Wood - who?!) and is pretty amusing; it
gets heavy towards the end; the music on this (and the whole thing) just kind
of lacks the "OOMPH!" I expect from the Melvins...  It's close to the rockier
stuff on "Bullhead" or "Ozma" I suppose.  Side B starts with "Four Letter
Woman" which is pretty fast and groovy, it ain't "Honey Bucket" though.  Last
up is "Anal Satan" which is basically samples and yelling and drum machines,
sort of the Melvins do "Rock Box".
   "Nightgoat" b/w "Adolescent Wet Dream" (credited to Jon Spencer - Pussy
Galore?) is probably tied with "Tanks" for coolness; the version of
"Nightgoat" is fucking AMAZING compared to the "Houdini" version (which is
planet-shattering in it's own right) - it's a bit longer, slower, deeper and
heavier.  If you told me K.K. Null was playing second guitar on it I wouldn't
be surprised...  The B-side is pretty cool and punky, more in the heavy vein
than the Sympathy single.  ARGH!

BECK - ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE (K)
16 songs.

I quite like this tape - it expands on the folky/bluesy/slightly countryedge
of tunes like "Pay No Mind" and "Whiskeyclone, Hotel City" from "Mellow Gold",
but with a more raw, genuine feel.  The damn thing runs from traditional
folkisms to semi-punk (albeit with a valium coma) to the droning weirdness of
"Mellow Gold".  There are two other vocalists who appear, albeit briefly, but
they also add a nicely unique flavor; this record will get no pop-play (damn)
but definitely goes towards proving that the Hansen boy has plenty of talent.
How someone so frigging young can sound so...  Hmm.  Pretty good.




         @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@pointless@@border@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
         Foaming Evil Death (no, not those birth control thingies)
         @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@waste@@o'@@space@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


A REVIEW OF...ahem, SOAP!

     No, not that stupid shit your mom wastes brain cells
watching all day, every day - the crap most folks use to
clean their filthy, disgusting (oops - that's the christian
in me talking) bodies.

     Let us begin, yes?  (one to five *'s)

OIL OF OLAY BATH BAR
***1/2

     As bar soaps go, this is a good one - not too much
aroma, a good lather (although starting it up can take time)
and it doesn't dry your oh-so-sensitive skin out (wuss).  The
aroma is nothing like Oil of Olay itself - it's more of a
Ivory-floral type thing.  If you're stuck with bar soap, this
is a good one.  I also recommend:

LEVER 2000
****

     My personal favorite bar soap at the moment - a nicely
neutral odor, hella-lather and it's pretty fuckin cheap; the
only fault I can find is that some bars have a bit of a
grainy/mealy feel to them.  Generally the quality is
consistently good, however.

DOVE (Pink or white)
* (and that's being generous)

     This shit sucks - if I wanted to smell like a fuckin'
rose I'd hang out at the perfume counter in Dillard's.  It
feels nasty, it smells like floral napalm and it's way over-
priced.

DIAL ANTIBACTERIAL LIQUID SOAP
**

     I used to love this stuff - an interesting orangey
stench and a good lather combined with the oh-so-important
benefit of killing germs.  Now I hate this shit; maybe it has
something to do with being stuck in a hotel room and the only
soap we had was either those miniscule hotel soaps (which
suck) or this shit; going down on someone who's used this can
be, um, gross.

DR. BRONNER'S PEPPERMINT CASTILE SOAP
***** (actually off the friggin' scale)

     Go forth to your local health-nut/granola-bar/hippie
health food store and acquire some of this - it will be there
somewhere (usually between the cracked bulghur wheat and the
carob chunks).  Not only does it dilute 1-to-3 with water, it
still works after that; the aroma of peppermint is nicely
jarring _and_ it makes your naughty bits tingle (no
joke!!!).  What the hell else could you ask for?!  Oh, it
also provides hours of amusement in the form of the
Essene/hippy propaganda all over the label...  The perfect
soap - the Platonic Ideal thereof.  I would imagine that the
Almond, Eucalyptus and other varieties are also pretty good.

IVORY
**

     Ah, good old stolid Ivory - like that ex you can call
for sex when you're at your lowest.  Ivory is pretty cheap,
which is no doubt it's saving grace; it doesn't smell
particularly good, it doesn't feel really great but it's
cheap...  Oh!  And it FLOATS!!!

SOFTSOAP
*

     Ick - it looks like semen, it smells like that cheap
shit perfume they sell in Target (or so I'm told) and it
barely lathers...  Top that off with the fact that the shit
sticks to your skin like napalm sticks to kids and it's a
lose-lose thing.  Somehow, whenever I use this crap I always
wind up with little bubbles in the hair on my arms - go
figger.

BATHROOM SOAP
Green kind (dish soap) **
Yellow kind (Smurf urine) *1/2
Blue kind (Windex cut with Dawn) **
The "Other" Blue Kind (it works!) ***

     Alright, you're done with whatever you were doing in the
restroom there - I'm not asking - and you need to rinse your
hands clear of the, shall we say, residue of your
transaction.  Haplessly you walk towards the sinks and pray
that the blower-thing works and that there is actually SOAP
in the dispenser.  (side note: does anyone else worry that
there are deviants who urinate into the dispensers?  I mean,
I've seen shit-graffiti in the stalls, who fucking KNOWS what
these assholes do when they get out of them)  If there is
actually soap in the dispenser and it's the GREEN kind, well
it will work well enough - it's dish soap usually.
Occasionally it's Comet.  If it's the YELLOW kind you might
as well just rush back to the stall and scrub your hands off
in the toilet - the yellow soap is basically worthless unless
you have about 10 minutes to kill scrubbing your hands.
Dammit.  If it's the first (generally light-) BLUE kind,
you're also shitouttaluckmyloc - it feels like cheap cheap
cheap (frink) dishsoap mixed with Ammonia-D...it will burn
some skin off of your hands, if you're lucky.  If it's the
saving grace of bathroom soaps, BLUE type B (generally
darker than the first one) you're in luck - it foams, it
scrubs, it smells good and it comes off.  Don't have too much
fun with the blower now, 'kay?




                       ##########################
                       ISN'T THE INTERNET _FUN_?!
                       ##########################

[captured from the Coffeehouse haven]

(18, Johann) talk!
(18, Johann) please!
(22, mark) i want to taste your hot cum and lick your hairy balls
(22, mark) slowly snake into your hole and lick and poke my tounge deep into
it
(22, mark) tasting your manhood
(22, mark) I lift you legs up and look deep into your eyes and slowly slide
insi
(22, mark) pumping in and out and staring deep into your eyes
(18, Johann) yeeeesssssssssssss
(22, mark) going faster and faster
(22, mark) igrab you thick cock and jack it hard making you cum all over
(22, mark) yourself
(22, mark) i lick your stomack clean while i fuck you harder and harder
(18, Johann) oh yeah....
(18, Johann) that was good
(22, mark) finaly i scream and shot hot loads deeps into your ass
(22, mark) i fall on you and we kiss and fondle till we fall asleep
(18, Johann) ohm thank you

[Coffeehouse's address is eleven.uccs.edu port 2525]




##########################
A SMALL INTERNET DIRECTORY
##########################

     This is a small listing of sites...

Places to get an online account & e-mail address:

freenet.hut.fi (port 23) (type LANGUAGE= and then eng at a prompt)
grex.cyberspace.org (port 23)
freenet.hsc.colorado.edu (port 23)
freenet.scri.fsu.edu (guess which port!)
cts.com (login as pnet, I think - I don't recall off hand)

Places to go fuck around and meet people (or make nifty capture files of
netsex hubba hubba):

Coffeehouse - eleven.uccs.edu 2525
The Eagle's Nest - eagle.ibc.edu 2525
Opium Den - cns.cscns.com 1234 (also eclat.uccs.edu 4000?)
Hotel California - neuromancer.hacks.arizona.edu 6060
Surfers - muscle.rai.kcl.ac.uk 3232
Undernet (shit) IRC - vinson.ecn.uoknor.edu 6677

Anyone have any addresses they want in here, lemme know...  Otherwise I'll
just have to find and post them myself.


                    ###################################
                    5 10220111011 20110220110101 MY ASS
                    ###################################

From: jburgin@unixmail.haverford.edu (Joshua M. Burgin)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.warlord (!)
Subject: Re: Thanks and help.
Date: 22 Jul 1994 16:54:44 GMT
Lines: 22
Message-ID: <30otkk$3sa@saturn.haverford.edu>
References: <1994Jul22.162609.6182@zippy.dct.ac.uk>
NNTP-Posting-Host: 165.82.1.37

 5 010102 100015 <mcscs1jcwj@zippy.dct.ac.uk> writes:
>Thanks to the guy who helped me create alt.radio.uk
>
>And while I'm at it , where the hell is
>alt.beneficient.daemons.bless.curse.bless ??
>
>   dMMMM .aMMMb  dMP.aMMMb  dMP.aMMMb.aMMMMb  dMP.aMMMb .aMMMb .aMMMb
dMPdMMMM
>  dMP   dMP"VMPadMPdMP"VMPadMPdMP"VMPMP .PP"adMPdMP"VMPdMP"dMPdMP"dMPadMPdMP
> dMMMMbdMP dMP dMPdMP dMP dMPdMP dMP  .dP"  dMPdMP dMPdMP dMPdMP dMP
dMPdMMMMb
>   dMPdMP.dMP dMPdMP.dMP dMPdMP.dMP .dP"   dMPdMP.dMPdMP.dMPdMP.dMP dMP   dMP
>MMMP" VMMMP" dMP VMMMP" dMP VMMP" .dPMMMP dMP VMMMP" VMMMP" VMMMP" dMPVMMMP"

I just had to warlord this .sig again.  This guy really needs to be
taken outside and shot.  Better yet, someone should make him learn
EBDIC, all versions.  And while were at it, he should be able to
recite all of JCL.

Joshua




#############
ANYFUCKINGWAY
#############

     Hope to see you next time, assuming there is one.  Send me your
extraneous bullshit and I'll use it if I like it.

     Take it as you will;

     [grievous]




EOF


 


